I feel so incredibly tired. And sad. But still working on with happiness getting the new Siberian Expedition on board. But life has its own ways to show that tragedy and sorrow is a big part of the life of a human being. My mum died yesterday and I wrote this below:
Hi There My Friends,
Suddenly during our walk today, the sun broke though the gray clouds in a way we are not used to here in Malmö, since winter in the south of Sweden is basically wet and dark. The light was so strong I had to look away, the air suddenly felt really fresh and crisp like the best of winter days up north, when life is a joy with no limits, I saw a raven I thought, but it turns out it was a black crow sitting at the end of a walking bridge. It looked at me with attentive eyes, pride and humor. Just like my mother.
A few minutes later my beloved brother called and said that mum had passed on and headed for a new world. I was neither shocked or surprised. I had been waiting for this to happen for quite some time. She was 90 years old, had smoked all her life and the last few years in mum´s life had been nothing more than existing.
When the family consisting of me and my four wonderful girls headed north over Christmas back home to Dala-Järna I felt instinctively like this was a trip where we would say goodbye to my mother. It was a real winter in Dala-Järna and I wanted my mum to see my second extra ordinary gift I have been given, little Scarlett, the calmest child this side of the bridge. The first time we went to visit mum, she was asleep, and when awake didn´t really remember who we were. But when we returned next day on Christmas Eve she knew. After a short while of silence, we didn´t have that much to say, even though it was 1½ years since we last met, we stood up and I went over to her, kissed her and gave a hug at the same time I said I loved her and I thanked her for being the best mother anyone could wish.
For me this was the truth. She gave me so much love so I could venture out with great confidence into a world so much bigger than she could imagine in her wildest dreams. When we left, she immediately lay down and it felt like she was ready to leave this life. Pam looked at me and said:
“It is like she has been waiting for you to come and say goodbye.”
Only a few hours have passed since she died. Of course I feel a deep sorrow, but almost as much a relief that finally she has been able to move on. Just existing has no value at all. I hope she had a good life. I think so. I will only remember her joy, humor and laughter.
As always when tragedy strikes me I will share the sorrow in small pieces and deal with them on and off, so I don´t get overwhelmed by sadness. Scarlett just woke up and want my attention. Another smile. Another diaper to be changed.
I didn´t sleep anything last night. So much to do. Better to work, than think too much at this stage. Money to transfer, I need to pay my Yemen editor, I have bought a lot of small items today and I have prepared my skis with skins and plastic for protection. How long will the metal parts work for? I have taped details, like for example i have out foam on the skipoles and its grip, to avoid frostbite when sweat turns into ice. A lesson learned along the Kolyma.
I am bringing the skis because I need to move on and off to avoid freezing to death at the back of a sled, because the reindeer are fast like lightening.Rihgt now it feels like I have nothing under control. I am also waiting for a call from ExWeb since the laptop they sent me, which was prepared and which would have saved me such much worries, its screen had been damaged in the transport. Another unnecessary situation. But such is love. All this gear makes me look back at the days when I was 18 and went to India to become a Buddist munk. Life is suffering until the day you get rid of all the things that tie you down and you have nothing. Than restart fresh and choose a middle way. Makes sense a day like this.
